I can write about this
for now. There might come a time when I won’t have an opinion or be allowed to
have one, and that’s okay too.
The self Improvement man.
This a man of average
height, about 5.4 with a deep voice, side burns, trimmed beard and is a man on
the move.
He may not have the
latest fashion, his money will be spent on brands. A watch, a jacket, a coat,
several shoes, a man bag and a phone. Not an i-phone or HTC but a solid brand like LG.
This man speaks
perfect learned English, with all the correct words for things and feelings. If
you are like me and have all the vocabulary from all your languages mixed up in
the language jar in your mind, a conversation with him will feel like a grammar
lesson. ‘thingy’ becomes the High Definition Memory Unit and that woiye feeling
becomes empathy.
This man will date a woman who has had a perm
since standard seven. A woman who wears ‘natural make-up’ and has had a job in
an accounting firm since she left college, with an on going side hustle at
Al-Noor exhibitions, where she works all Saturday mornings without fail. This is
a woman who will not cook a rice stew without meat, makes chapo stew with
jagged potatoes, grilled lamb chops and will serve him toast, bacon and fresh
juice with his coffee every morning.
He will pay his parents’
health insurance every month and not expect his siblings to contribute for it.
For leisure he will attend Jazz festivals and plays at Phoenix Theater every
month. He reads the newspaper, the Business Daily and newsfeeds on his phones
on the way to work. He can converse in any topic, just get him interested
enough.
The Rattler
I call them key
rattlers. They might have a bunch or just two, one for the car, one to their
house. Their keys are an extension of their mouth so they will rattle the keys
to vocalize boredom when they’ve had enough of your tale about the enormous
size of the Nyayo potatoes that grow in your village farm.
When they are not
rattling keys they are hoisting up their trousers-wear suspenders okay? So they
will have two fingers hooked into the belt loops and you can guess that
whatever will come out of their mouth is not the smartest thing a human being
ever said so you wanna start walking away and wave your hand away to anything
they say after that.
Key rattlers feel
important most of the time, making announcements of upcoming promotions, the
amazing features of their new phone, their self perceived skin lightness and
their exercise routines when you say nothing about the recent bulge on their
upper arms which are displayed in front of you for recognition.
 |
| "I got brass knuckles hanging from the chain on my neck" |
Mr. Rattler on a date:
Rattler: I am on a new
diet, it’s really helping my skin to clear.
Date: Huh?
Rattler: Oh yeah, my
skin feels smooth, but I also think it’s because I was moved into my own
office, it’s not as drafty as the common work area.
Date: Oh.
Rattler: I need to re-new
my gym membership since my personal trainer has relocated to Denmark.
Date: Sorry, I need to
rush to the ladies, BRB.
Boy Next door
Every girl has a bff
who fits the description of the boy next door. A boy who has all the qualities
of a legitimate bachelor but going out with him would be like dating a step
brother. But he is a close friend, the kind of guy you will call to come check
out the noise in your ceiling and it doesn’t matter that you are wearing your
old sweater that has cuffs so loose they
drop to your elbows when you raise an arm. You go to the supermarket to pick up
yogurt and pads and you are standing at the pads shelf telling him why you like
the blue color ones and why the pink ones are overpriced.
Boy next door sorts
your music, your stinking kitchen drain issues and pays your bus fare without
any of your feeling the need to have a meeting ‘to define the relationship.’
He will try out his
lame jokes on you and you can laugh and tell him to never tell them anywhere
else.
You wear the same shoe
size, no 6, he wears checked shirts and fitting sweaters. He might wear cargo pants
with navy blue polo shirts. He doesn’t take himself very seriously so you can get
him to sing animation soundtracks and he wont think twice about it. You meet
him by chance somewhere in town and pull out half a cookie out of your pocket and
give it to him, he will eat it happily.
We are so Dapper
This is a man who
takes great care of his clothes and appearance. His clothes, nails, shoes, bag,
hair, mobile phone. He knows; unlike a vast majority of the male species who
got left behind when the male revolution SGR passed by, the kind of jacket and
shoes go with what trousers. He has a collection of paraphernalia
too-cufflinks, shirt squares, tie pins.
A clean man who
doesn’t wear black jeans twice and prioritizes washing clothes to other activities
like, cooking a meal. He discards his shoes when they show the slightest sign
of tear, can afford original cologne and pull off woven scarfs without looking
like his mother dressed him. He carries a clean handkerchief and a nail cutter.
His clothes are ironed and pressed without a
sign of lint. Touch anything but his clothes.
One great aspect about
this fellow is, like his clothes and lifestyle, he is well bred so he knows how
to maintain relationships with even the most difficult people.
Chali wa Mtaa.
Me, the country grown
woman and my Nairobi grown friend have had this argument going on for years. He
has his opinions about village bred 30somethings. I have my opinions about
Nairobi bred 30somethings.
But we shall yet write
a report about it when we have studied at least 100 30somethings from each side.
But for this, I
feature a general bird’s view of the above man. A man because he is over 23 years
old, but a chali because his favourite movie is still Baby’s Day Out, he loves
genge and any music that has shouting in it singing along to songs like ‘I’m so
high I’m so high to the roof…’
He can be quite
entertaining, when he tells you recycled stories about that time he had a gig
at Safari Sevens, making burgers. How exciting it was. In fact, there has never
been another quite exciting moment in his life. But if he only had money, if
only he had the dough, ahh the things he would do-he would move to South C and
have a recording studio.
He doesn’t have a
girlfriend yet, he likes this girl, but ‘… she will obviously go for someone
with money. That is the problem with hawa madame wa Nairobi. They don’t think
about true love. I might love her but as long as I don’t have a car…’
Chali wa Mtaa can
either be a mamma’s boy, or someone who will not give money for nothing. Why
should he marry someone without a job? He believes in equality, but he also
believes a woman’s place in the kitchen.
 |
| 25 years later, tulishawasili sisi. |
He doesn’t have a
regular job. He is not yet up to it. He will work in one place for a month then
decide it’s creeping in on his time with the boys. So he quits and gets
another gig where he works for three weeks, quits and starts to sell third rate
women high heels at the bus stop, and it seems all his profit goes into soft drinks and veve.
All pictures courtesy of pinterest and google images.
